I hate the way you changed my world.
Before you came walking, no, crashing into my life, everything was fine. I was fine. I was comfortable with who I was and what I believed in. cynicism was a way of life. I had successfully bottled my emotions in, hardened my heart, abandoned all wishy-washy thoughts of love and romanticism. I had the role of me-against-the-world tough chick memorized down to every little detail. I had braced myself for my disillusioned-fairytale-yet-relatively- happy ending. Or so I thought.
I dislike you.
Your sudden appearance in my life proved to be an unpleasant distraction. An interruption to my normal, typical and ordinary existence. You wreaked havoc, turned everything upside-down, made me think twice, made me do a double-take and take a second look. You diverted my attention with your spontaneous antics. You made me lose direction, veered me off the track and confused me. I was a girl of conviction and a woman with a self-imposed mission. But not anymore…
I despise you.
I had prepared myself for battle. Armed myself with enough emotional and mental ammo to render an entire enemy army senseless. My mantra was girl power, believing completely in feminism and its lovely fruits of labor. I thought I had geared up, compelled myself to be strong to face the cruel world of solitary living and spinsterhood. But then you came… and stripped me of my battle gear. Leaving me virtually defenseless, fragile and vulnerable.
I can’t stand you.
Before I met you, I could swallow glasses of jalapeno sauces like it was orange juice. I could watch horror flicks by myself amidst the midnight howls of the neighbors dogs. I could walk alone in the dark, remain calm in the middle of an earthquake and run 5 miles on the treadmill without breaking a sweat. But when I met you and knew you, my legs turned to useless pieces of wobbly rubber at the mere sound of your voice. A glimpse of you and my intellectual self becomes dormant as the swooning, giggly schoolgirl in me takes over. Call in the exorcist. All my bravado, logic, determinism and rationality completely evade me.
I hate you.
You shook my black and white world and gave it a kaleidoscopic twist. You disrupted my orderly and peaceful existence. You made me uncertain of my opinions, made me question my philosophies in life, made me hesitate and delayed my half-baked yet somewhat carefully laid out life plans. I thought I was steadfast in all my convictions. i thought wrong.
I hate you. I hate the way you changed my world. And I hate the way you changed me.
In an idyllic fairytale happy-ending story, you would be THE one. In a sappy yet sordid romance novel, you would be the one that got away. But this is my life, fascinating as you may be, you would be the one I could never have.