i am bored. in my complete state of boredom, i do things before my mind could speak to my body parts and tell them to stop. i end up scratching non-itchy patches of skin or tearing out my hair strands in chunks or unconsciously bite my nails or write non-sensical blogs like this or compulsively arrange my already compulsively-arranged stuff or daydream to the point of zoning out and completely losing track of time, space and so-called sanity… or end up thinking of the one person i have vowed to forever not think about…

it has taken me approximately seven months to train and control my mental musings and emotional dramas of Him who shall not be named. i have, or so i thought, controlled my fantastic illusions of love and lust and everything in between. i have willed my mind to grow up and forget about all the sappy girly fantasies of him, willed my brain to trick my heart into believing that He was just a phase— a passing figure in an insignificant circumtance in my life. i thought my mind had won the battle against my stubborn and stupid little heart.

in moments of silence, even more in moments of solitude, i think of him… not as passionately as before… but he still affects me in a way that no one else ever had. i can’t explain it. i can’t make sense out of it. even i sound extremely delusional to myself, succumbing to teenage drama when i’m no longer a teenager. crap. pinch me, talk sense into me, kick me, slap me and punch me in the head.

i am bored. and i don’t want to be bored because i end up doing things i really don’t want to do like saturate my blog space, waste money on the internet, arrange dusty old diskettes… or think of the person i should not be thinking about…

i will not think of him.i will not think of him.i will not think of him.i will not think of him.i will not think of him.i will not think of him.