no boyfriend since birth.

No boyfriend since birth. Twenty-two years of human existence. Spent alone, by myself. Grown woman, no man. I have never felt the pain of breaking up, never felt the hurt that comes with relationships, never experienced jealousy or envy, never shed tears over some guy, never had my heart broken…

i have long ago abandoned my childhood fantasy of being whisked away by my dashing and debonair prince charming. Unlike the female characters in the storybooks I used to read, I didn’t need anyone to rescue me. I didn’t need anyone to make me feel whole and to complete me. I had become a skeptic, an agnostic and a disbeliever that pure bliss actually existed. I have been disillusioned. And I have actually embedded into my stubborn brain that happy-endings were meant for other people and not for me.

Now, everywhere I look, everywhere I turn I am bombarded with images of cute couplings… like a slap in my face, like driving a stake through my virgin heart… marriage and children have become priority topics in any conversation. and I have officially become the crying shoulder, the sympathetic listener, the comforter and the-friend-who’s-there-when-everyone-else-is-preoccupied-with-their-own-sordid-love-lives. I am the patient bystander, the mute witness, the omnipresent observer of other people’s lives.

Instead of passion, I now feel apathy. I sit and watch. To the world I may be just another cynic, another skeptic when it comes to love and everything else that comes with it. there are times when I acknowledge loneliness, times when I accept that I may have taken self-isolation too far, times when I realize that my self-preservation tactics have done nothing but secluded me from the wonderful unpredictability of love.

No boyfriend since birth. I’m surrounded by friends yet I feel alone. I’m not saying that I need a man to make me feel whole but depriving myself of an intimate emotional connection with another human being makes me feel robbed of an absolute existence.

I have never felt the pain of breaking up, never felt the hurt that comes with relationships, never experienced jealousy or envy, never shed tears over some guy because I have never wanted to take a chance, to take an enormous and blind leap of faith and to risk everything I am for one person. And I have never had my heart broken because I have never truly opened up my heart to the remote possibility that love actually exists… not just in novels and stories… but that love actually exists— for me…

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