in the name of my father.

I am a master of false pretenses.

I hide behind a phony mask of tolerable subsistence.

I am a fake, a sham, a mockery. I am a great pretender.

My life is one huge travesty. One charade after the other. I want to shed off my many different facades but yet I become more afraid of finding myself defenseless against the vindictive world out there. Sometimes I just want to give in and give up… surrender my fight against the cruel circumstances that the gods have thrown upon me. Sometimes I just want to let it all out… to scream, to cry, to arrogantly laugh without worrying what the people around me would think. Sometimes I go to sleep wishing that I would never see the light of tomorrow. And sometimes when mad and frantic conditions mercilessly consume and overwhelm me, I close my eyes and wish that the earth would just open up and swallow me.

They say time heals all wounds.

It’s been almost a year now. Yet the memories remain vivid and clear as if it all happened yesterday. In random moments in a day, pieces of my past would come into mind. A whiff, a scent, a sound, a phrase, a simple object, a familiar place… memories just come rushing back to me, taking me back to a time that now exists only in my memory. And I feel a dull ache, a clutching pain and a twinge of grief in my heart. It still hurts. And I know it will hurt for as long as I will live.

I want to be the brave woman I know I should be but the weepy, naïve little girl in me just takes over in moments like these. Maturity dictates me to accept and to move on, to let go and live. I’m trying. I really am. I just can’t help it that there are one too many times when I wish I could turn back the clock and do the things I should’ve done when I had the chance. Like spending more time with him or saying I love you more. I was unwilling to accept the gravity of the situation and I had run away from the reality that his time was running out. Because of my denial then, I am full of regrets now. I wish I hugged him more or talked to him more often or told him I loved him more than words could ever fully express. But  being the selfish, conceited, pretentious, hopeful and optimistic brat that I was, I held back it…I bottled it all in… and now all my pent-up emotions have nowhere to go.

To the eyes of many people, I may seem okay. But behind the huge grins and the measured smiles lies a girl with a broken heart and a miserable soul. Time heals all wounds but the scars will forever remain.

I don’t want to live a tortured life of pretensions.

If you were still here, everything would be okay and I don’t have to make believe.

I miss you dad…happy birthday…

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