On Love. Or Lack Thereof.

my brain is an incomprehensible mixture of phlegm, lard, mud and stinky decaying earth materials. otherwise described as shit… the putrid excesses of animal gastronomic delights that one would run away from… now if it were only that is easy to get rid of my brain…and the fucked up thoughts,ideas and emotions that are inside it… one ginormous heave and you’d be rid of the unwanted fibers, flush it down the toilet and never see the same shit again for as long as you shall live.

i think too much. intellectualizing stuff can be greatly advantageous. but nowadays, it’s the reason why im falling apart. sigh. the things smart people do. so anyhow, back to the slushy mush that is called my brain. i am getting the almost untrollable urge to bang my stupid head on the marble kitchen counter, crack my thick skull open and lay my brain to rest on top of the ice cream container inside the freezer. i’ve been thinking too much.

you know the cliche adage that goes “mind over heart”? well.anatomically it is possible. i mean, statistically speaking, how many people do you see walking with their heads attached to their pelvic bones right? that’s just the way it should biologically be. the statement mind over heart is physically possible. insert intellectualization. insert the philosophy that everything is a state of mind. bah. huge frikkin’ bullcrap. i.am.no.ghandi.i.do.no.kabbalah.and the things that run in my brain are heavily cryptic that even the most brilliant erm, crypt-keeper (laugh laugh laugh) cryptologist could not decipher it.

so anyhow, the point of this entirely pointless intro, leads to only one thing: LOVE. l-o-v-e. defintion in the gift-to-deranged-literary-expressionists-such-as-moi dictionary — Love is a strong affection, a warm attachment, an attraction based on sexual desire (my,my. i beg to differ), an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others and a score of zero in tennis.

i heartily agree to all the definitions aforementioned (except for the last one because all i know of tennis is andre agassi, anna kournikova and lots of grunting during a match) because i’d like to add that when it comes to love, especially if you’re smart,pretty,jaded,cynical and mentally challenged like me, you get zero. oh boohoo. sniff sniff.

you don’t say someone is knocking on my brain. it sounds idiotic. you say someone is knocking on my heart. you say your heart flutters. my heart beats for you. i-heart-you. blah blah blah. your brain doesn’t flutter, beat or (insert desired adjective). your brain just sits there like a rock. all notions of romanticism are synonymous to the heart.

so what is the essence of this brainless composition? the essence of this brainless composition is my brain. and the battle between my brain and my heart. they’re two completely separate entities. sometimes i even think that, athena, the name of my smart,sexy,sultry alter ego, has taken residence in the neurotic garbage bin called my mind. but mary, my sweet, demure, sucker-for-romance personality has lovingly taken possession of my heart. my other multiple personalities have temporarily gone AWOL and went to the maldives for a vacation. i digress. point is, i’m tired.

i know that the heart and the brain can function in perfect symbiosis. (that athena and mary could become friends and hold hands and help each other do their homework and paint their toenails.) my brain searches for logic and reason behind everything while my heart tells me that love is irrationally felt.

my heart has given up. i don’t do love… anymore… cos i no longer have a heart. (and no i did not rip apart my ribcage and put it in the freezer with the porkchops) so now my brain is trying to rationalize every single circumstance in my pathetic sad existence. investigating the unknown, collecting evidence and trying to close this sick case of love or lack thereof. (why? what did i do? where did i go wrong? what can be done? why the fuck did you choose her.. and leave me behind? did i bury the whore-who-stole-the-man-i-gave-half-my-virginity-to’s body in the right place?)

for now einstein feebly triumphs because my heart has surrendered. but Cupid is whispering in my ear… the mind may have won the battle… but the heart may win the war…

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