with or without him.

“… when i stopped being me… i found myseLf…”

mythological stories say that at the beginning of creation, man and woman were but one being. attached to one another as if two creatures were attached back to back – – – two heads, four arms and four legs. but the Greek gods became jealous of these mortals and so Zeus, the supreme lord of Olympus, struck the creature with a lightning bolt, thus creating man and woman. Since then, men and women had to search for their lost half...

question now is, how can we be sure that our other half is out there somewhere? what if we were born to be by ourselves? what if we wait for someone to find us but they never come? what if we search for someone but they don’t want to be found?

i must be sick in the head. i must have some sort of undiagnosed cerebral anomaly because just when my life becomes unusually normal, every neuron in my head overanalyzes the simplest situations and distorts what is basically ordinary. but then again, i am not used to the ordinary because i am not ordinary. i am special. i am a retard who should be put away for pre-meditated emotional suicide.

i quit me. i quit being the contemptuous smart-ass bitch who wallowed in pain and self-pity. i quit being the drama queen who exacerbated everything with a lot of sex, drugs and rock and roll. harhar. but seriously. i have changed. i am not me anymore.

i am not me anymore because now i have him. i stopped being me and i found myself… i found myself because of him.

or so i want to believe. is he the one that i’ve been waiting for? is he the one who holds the key to my frigid heart? or is he the one who will make me realize that i am meant to be alone afterall?

what if i’m happy with myself but lose him in the end?

“… i am happy…”

issue now is: define happiness. how do we know we’re really happy and we’re not just trying to convince ourselves that this is what happiness feels like? what price do we have to pay for being happy?

i am jaded. i have been wronged. i have been hurt. and i have been hurting for far too long that i pain has become a part of me.

i want to quit him. for some sick, inexplicable reason i want to let him go and i want him to let go of me. not because he has nothing great to offer but simply because he’s far too perfect for someone like me. he’s adorably cute, smells so good that you can actually orgasm just by the scent of him (i’m kidding), he has clean, genetically well-shaped fingernails, killer eyes that make my knees go seriously weak in any given moment, he makes me laugh like a half-brained hyena and most of all, he treats me the way i should be treated. you ask, so what’s wrong with that? but my question is: what’s the catch?

what if i find happiness with him and he walks away?

i still think too much. to hell with me and my god-forsaken musings.

i can’t do crap about anything except curse the greek gods. fuck you zeus and your stupid lightning bolts.

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