once upon a time, in a human kingdom not so far away, there lived a little girl. a little girl who had an unusually perfect ordinary childhood. like most normal female children, she happily played with her vast collection of polly pockets and barbie dolls, messed with her mother’s make-up and toiletries, played house with her grandmother’s expensive array of pots, pans and assorted kitchenware, frolicked at the beach in her naked glory, gave testosterone-driven boys nosebleeds from jet li-like punches and read books on princesses who found perfect happy endings.
and then this little girl grew up a bit and decided that ordinary wasn’t enough… and she wanted more. she wanted to live a life full of adventure and romance and live happily ever after…
this little girl was me.
and i do have a life. of what sort, don’t ask. adventure, spontaneity and reckless endangerment to self and to others – – – i’ve been there, i’ve done that and heck, i’m still doing it. romance? nah. hot sex, maybe. harhar. and happily ever after is but a fucked-up utopian fantasy.
i’d like to think that i am anything but ordinary. and unlike most normal females my age, i am a mental and emotional retard who thinks that misery has found perfect company in me. and being the miserable wretch that i am, i am intent on dissecting the harsh and sardonic truth behind the fairytales that have disillusioned me and millions of little girls all over the world. the idealistic morons who wrote about happy endings should die slow, painful and agonizingly torturous deaths by peeling their epidermis off and roasting raw human muscle over a cackling friday night bonfire. pre-meditated barbaric murder seems appealing, yeah? happy endings, my ass.
CINDERELLA. the maid-turned-princess fairytale. like OFW’s who become an arab sheik’s seventh wife. the underdog always triumphs in fictional stories. fuck. i’d kill to see the rotting kalabasa in my ref turn into a porsche. if vera wang would be my fairy godmother and jimmy choo would let me wear diamond studded three-inch stilettos… and if only the rats in my house would aspire to make haute couture…then to hell with prince charming. the underlying message in this classic tale is that cinderella’s man had a fetish for feet and shoes and that you can make a man fall for you if you leave a shoe behind… or your brassiere or lacy thongs. it makes them want more. bibity-bobbity-boo.
SNOW WHITE. and the seven dwarfs. the classic prostitute story. little girl runs away from home and lives with seven quirky men. doc, dopey, sleepy, grumpy, happy, bashful and sneezy all represent multiple male characteristics that whores have to deal with. doc – the intellectual guy who will try to impress you with wit and wisdom.the pompous and arrogant and dirty old man type. dopey – nerd.geek.dork.loser. the ones who have a stupid look on their faces and always cums in the first three minutes of sex. sleepy – the type of guy who will bore you to death and snores seven seconds after having sexual intercourse. grumpy – the bad boy. the i’ll-whip-you-if-you-misbehave type. the nymphomaniac who thinks that the vagina is an organ made exclusively for banging. happy – the jolly type. the comic. has a wicked sense of humor which he will use to get you into bed. bashful – the virginal boy. makes you want to murmur into his ears ‘who’s your mama?’. sneezy – the sick type. the ones who carry sexually transmitted diseases like herpes or AIDS or has green semen dripping from his scrotum. sigh. the idiots we have to deal with, eh? hi-ho. hi-ho. off to work you go.
SLEEPING BEAUTY. the narcoleptic lazy ass princess. moral of the story: as long as you’re of legal age, you can lie comatose in a room and your parents won’t mind if some random guy would go in and kiss you or feel you up or have raging hot sex with your carcass. mommy and daddy would even cheer prince charming on while telling you to stay away from the light.and when you do come back from the dead, your eyes flutter open and you sing to him: “i know you… i fucked with you once upon a dream…”
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. girl falls in love with hairy creature. bullshit. i mean, yeah right. welcome to the real world. how can you possibly fall in love with some guy who doesn’t know how to shave, has a vast collection of gargoyles and has furniture that walk and talk? freaky. you expect me to imagine that i could fall in love with the fugliest creature on earth and one day he’d morph into some bronzed greek god with six-pack abs and rippling muscles? hahaha.tickle me senseless. besides, i’m allergic to fur. as the song goes: “tale as old as time… true as it can be… barely even friends…then somebody bends…unexpectedly…” tsk tsk. one night stands are a definite no-no.
THE LITTLE MERMAID. a story based on the principles of trade and barter. mermaid swaps voice for human legs. if i were her, i would’ve made the frikkin’ prince a merman instead. gone were her fishy fins and in came her wobbly legs. apparently, mer-people know zip about human anatomy because she obviously didn’t realize that vaginas exist. humans have fallopian tubes and uterus’ and cervix and pubic hair and when they procreate, a seven pound infant comes out of this female organ. mermaids have it easy. they can just fart out their fishy little eggs and wait for the little fries to start hatching. poor unfortunate human souls. and when merpeople have sex, they don’t need foreplay. they’re already wet…all the time. harhar. as sebastian says ‘ darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter…take it from me…’. sebastian is a male gigolo.
ALADDIN AND PRINCESS JASMINE.
(Jasmine) A whole nude world… My sizzling space you never knew… But when you’re way down there… Engrossed in hair… Now I’m in a whole nude world with you.
(Aladdin) Now I’m in a whole nude world with you.
(Jasmine) Unbelievable size… Indescribable squealing… Leaning, bending, and kneeling… At my moist and gaping thighs… A whole nude world.
but seriously. all these fairytale princesses have one thing in common: prince charming. wigs, colored contact lenses, and a whole lotta money makes deception… not to mention adultery and concubinage… very easy. the philandering fool has had multiple identities since the beginning of fairytale time. boys will always be boys.
once upon time, i was a little girl who dreamed of finding her happy ending. do i have the will to wait for prince charming to make up his mind and get over his identity crisis or have i kissed all possible amphibians, reptiles and rodents that there’s nothing and no one to wait for?
maybe there is no such thing as a happy ending… or maybe i should quit searching for prince charming and become a nun… or better yet, become a lesbian. 😉