Girl Meets Boys.

Potential Boyfriend Number 001.

Boy: Hi! Would you like to go to the movies with me?

Girl: What are we gonna watch?

Boy: (sings) Bad boys, Bad boys… watchu gonna do? Watchu gonna do when they come for you?

Girl: seriously?

Boy: seriously.

Girl: Ok.

Boy: The ticket’s worth a hundred and twenty bucks.

Girl: So?

Boy: i can’t buy your ticket if you don’t give me money. I would’ve bought it but i just had my car door fixed sooo…

Girl: ok shut up. Here. (hands boy money)

Give up when potential boyfriend 001 considers you to be potential girlfriend number 003 and potential mistress-not-wife number 005. Tsktsk.

Lesson learned: never go on a movie date without extra cash. Loads of extra cash. For popcorn. So you can stuff your face and will have reason to never talk to him.

Potential Boyfriend Number 002.

Boy: (flashes killer smile)

Girl: (blushes)

Boy: i’d like to take you out sometime… maybe in July?

Girl: huh? It’s april. Why wait til July?!?

Boy: my girlfriend leaves for the states second week of July.

Potential boyfriend number 002 is a polygamous athletic stud who makes  you laugh and sends delicious shivers down your spine. He never left his girlfriend, FYI.

Lesson learned: Thou shall not steal thy neighbor’s boyfriend even if she didn’t know about it.

Potential Boyfriend Number 003.

Married man.

With two kids.

Enough said.

Lesson learned: Behind every married man is a jealous bitch of a wife. And wives always win. Wives with children always always win. So walk away after three months worth of shopping sprees and fancy dates because it all goes downhill from there.

Potential Boyfriend Number 002.2.

Boy: (flashes killer smile)

Girl: (blushes)

Boy: i’ll call you at 1:00 am.

Lesson learned: Never ever entertain calls after midnight. Never ever accept invitations to date after midnight. It just bluntly means he wants to fuck around with you. And fuck around with you he will. And after fucking around with you, he just leaves your mind, heart, body and soul all fucked up. So fuck him. But leave it at that.

Potential Boyfriend Number 004.

Boy: You wanna have coffee?

Girl: Sure.

(4pm coffee. Great coffee. Great conversations. Great company.)

No sparks.

Lesson learned: Date around. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Potential Boyfriend Number 005.

Boy: You wanna go clubbing?

Girl: Why not?

Boy: You want a jagermeister? Flaming Ferrari? Triple shot of tequila?

Girl: Why not?

Boy: You wanna party?

Girl: Why not?

(4am. Lights. Sounds. Sensation. Flying high as a bird. Girl tripping. Boy missing. Now how to go home?)

Lesson learned: When life hands you lemons,  always count on someone else to bring in the tequila. And the vodka. And the mojito. And the rhum. And the beer. And the party pills. And the follow up party pills. But after you’ve barfed out all the seemingly good stuff, these boys are just too fucking hung over to take you out to lunch or watch a movie or meet your family or go to church with you. Good time boys are just there for the good times.

Potential Boyfriend Number 006.

Boy: Are you free for dinner?

Girl: When?

Boy: How’s about Friday?

Girl: Sure.

Boy: Great. I cant wait.

(8pm Japanese dinner. Nice. 10 pm. After dinner drinks. Nice. 1 am. You barfing. Him holding your hair while you barf. Nice.)

Lesson learned: Date around. Plenty of fish in the sea. But still hope for that one glorious bull of a man to come walking into your life.

Potential Boyfriend Number 007.

Girl: would you like to go on a date with me?

Boy: What? Are you asking me out?

Girl: if you answer yes, then Im asking you out. If you say no, then consider it a hypothetical question.

Boy: (laughs) ok. But please. Let ME pay for dinner.

(7pm dinner. Picks you up. Opens car door. Pays for dinner. Makes you laugh. Mutual interests in love, life, food and drinks and primetime TV soap opera.)

Lesson learned: Guys make great friends. Guys make amazing BFF’s. They also have a higher potential of being borderline effeminate. Be open-minded. Support the sexual revolution.

Potential Boyfriend Number 008 a.k.a. Potential Girlfriend number 001.

Girl: (looks at girl) (maybe the grass is greener on the other side.)

Other Girl: (smiles. And flirts with you.)

Lesson learned: Try something new. You never know. Viva la vulva.

Potential Boyfriend Number 009.

Boy is a call center agent.

Good looks.

Interesting personality.

Has passion and ambition.

And has nice clean fingernails.

Speaks with irritatingly compelled American accent.

Lesson learned: No one is perfect. Learn to accept and love the imperfections. If you can’t get over it, then walk the fuck away than live a life of supposed colonial misery.

Potentail Boyfriend Number 010.

Sings. Plays guitar. Has tattoos. 4-pack abs. Nice butt.

Loves music. Likes you.

Lesson learned: This rockstar’s girlfriends always stay backstage. Stage right. Stage Left. Backstage. Never centerstage. Applicable to real life. And groupies will drive you crazy. Especially flab-free groupies with 23-inch waistlines and insatiable lust for rockstar body parts.

Potential Boyfriend Number whatever.

Have faith. And God answers.

The best person to have a relationship with is yourself.

Eat alone. Ride a jeepney to nowhere. Max out your credit card. Buy a vibrator. Go on a solo vacation. Read a book. Use the vibrator.

And when you learn to love yourself, others will come to love you for you.

By the way, Potential Boyfriend Number 006 became Husband Number One.

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