Lie if you could. Lie if you must. Lie for me why don’t you.
Dear so-called friend. Sometimes really, You must think before you speak. In fact, think before you open your mouth. More so, think thoroughly before you even start thinking.
Now, how will I start? How do I even begin to tell you that there are some things better left unsaid. Some people best forgotten. Some events better not remembered. I’ll have you know how much it rips my heart apart to think of the shame, humiliation, fear, rejection, and failure i felt a couple of months back. i have tried my motherfucking best to get back up on my feet again. To be my old self again. To love my own self again. There are some days when I think I’m okay. Maybe i convince myself successfully in delusional random moments that I could easily erase that part of my life. I’d like to think that I’m gregariously happy. Or maybe I just like to pretend.
As much as I would like to lovingly share my life to the rest of the world, as you perceive my personality to be, it is the exact opposite that i hungrily crave for. Face it, please, because I have accepted it. I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, or on the day we met. I want to live quietly, peacefully, in a completely sheltered, shaded, cocooned, controlled environment; in an entirely subdued, just me and family and friends kinda world. Believe me. I am so over my old life. So over the me-all-around-everywhere-with-everyone-doing-anything-at-anytime.
Even just thinking about doing those things all over again makes me tired. I have done everything humanly possible that is even remotely considered to insanity, promiscuity, success or everything else in between that and whatever.
Before, I wanted to make my mark on the world, to stand out from the human race. But I feel that I may have possibly already done that or I may have already gotten close to even the smallest fraction of that dream. And because of fortunate / unfortunate circumstances, I am tired of it. I am moving on. But I want to move on in my own quiet, subdued, precariously mundane ways. So please understand this. Please be the great friend that i truly hope you are. Please leave me out of your conversations. Or at least send me an invite so I could throw in a personal word or two.Please pretend that sometimes, i don’t exist. My life does not have to be made public but if you have intentions to, please send me prior notice. I don’t have to be different. And I don’t need you to fight my battles. Please let me be me. So PLEASE. Shut up. or Lie if you must.